Sometimes in life things falls apart. There are days, weeks, and seasons in life where everything goes “wrong”. We have this idea of what this day, week, or season of our life was supposed to look like and everything is just wrong! It often feels confusing, sad, horrible and very uncomfortable.
When things feel like they are falling apart it’s often because what is occurring feels so incongruent with what our plans were. We are judging, fighting and kicking and screaming inside against what is actually happening. Of course we are because most likely, it SUCKS! When we aren’t accepting the moment, we are actually pushing against what is. In order to move through the moment we must continually come back to accepting it for what it is. These are wise words that I have heard, read and occasionally actually practice and what I know is this, it is so easy to say and so freaking hard to actually do! What I also know is that acceptance does create peace! From peace can come a peaceful action if need be and a shift occurs either way.
As a midwife I have seen countless mamas fight against their labor. One of my favorite stories was a mama who had had many babies before. She was well aware of the pushing stage and she already knew this was a stage she didn’t like. As her body began to push she said, “Please God I will be ready to push if you just give me a break”. She said this over and over again. I stepped in and said, “Your body is telling you it’s time, there is no controlling this, you’re safe and what if you just went with it”. She looked me in the eye with an angry all knowing face and pushed her baby out in one push. All was better! Once laboring moms are able to get out of their own way and accept what is occurring the labor becomes “easier”. Mamas describe it not that the contractions change in terms of pain but by no longer fighting them, they accept and rode along with the feeling and it became a part of them. It became easier.
Life is the same way!
When you are experiencing yourself or one of your loved ones falling apart; have a temper tantrum, experience something incredibly hard, acting in a way that hurts them, it is hard to stay present and in the moment and let the emotions pour out. It is hard to sit there and be present to not think how the heck did I f#*k this up. Where did I go wrong on this one? Did I give enough space, enough love, enough…… To watch your child go through any hard time in life is like you are dying with them. They are a part of your heart and you feel it all right along with them.
Recently I had such a day like this. My family was literally falling to pieces all around me. The teenager had his first teenage EPIC temper tantrum filled with so many emotions that he and I couldn’t even name. The baby was teething, the toddler was being so naughty and the 9 year old was a ball of NEEDS. We went from one melt down to another and all along I had an idea of what the day was going to look like and it wasn’t this! I felt like everyone was going INSANE! In the beginning I felt like a strong oak tree. This is something that I call upon when days become really windy with emotions. Then I reached my breaking point and thoughts and feelings of the day being horrible, grumpy, and resentment all flowed. I caught myself and retreated to my sacred space for 15 minutes and breathed. In the bathroom I worked on just letting go. Letting the day be what it was and riding the wave.
So what do you do when things are falling apart?
The most common paths that people take are: to check the heck out, to stop showing up and unconsciously retreat, to spiral and engage in self-blame and bullying talk, to ignore, to think it’s all roses or to be the fixer and try and fix it no matter what. There is always something you can do to make things better right? Yes and No.
Have you ever tried just letting them?
What if I told you that the best thing you could do when things are out of your control and falling apart is just to breathe and let them. In that space that you create if there is solution it will come otherwise you just keep on breathing. You may have been hoping that this post was going to give you the 5 steps you need to survive when things fall apart. If it was I would say that step number one is to accept that things are falling apart and step two is to let them. These two things are so simple and powerful! They are however not EASY! It requires a great deal of self-awareness and commitment to accept and let go as a way of life. There are other things that will help like: taking breaks, regrouping, centering, connecting, grounding yourself and giving some self-love. But what if the best thing you can do is just to let it all fall apart. To trust that there is a lesson, some wisdom, something you are meant to be getting from this experience and the best way to receive is just to let go.
Giving birth is hard, parenthood is hard, life is hard AND it is joyful and beautiful. It is this and that.
So when things are falling apart, when it’s the best of times and the worst of times stay with it mamas, accept it, feel it, show up to your bruitiful life, and show up with each other.