powerful puberty

What to do when your daughter feels resistant and angry about puberty

Transitions can be scary: a place of unknown, a black hole, out of control, stormy.  It is normal for girls to feel anxious or fearful around the transition phase of life called puberty.   

However, sometimes girls are down right adamant that puberty is NOT going to happen to them!

  They don't want to give up their younger selves or their younger bodies.  They don't want their bodies to change and they don't want to lose control of how and when it will happen.  They don't want to give up playing their "childhood" games and when puberty comes knocking at their door early, it can cause a heightened sense of these feelings.

When girls are resistant to puberty we need to recognize the wisdom that is coming from deep within them.  They get it.  They get that they will be seen differently, although they can't really put a firm understanding and expression of it. They get that things become a lot more complicated as they leave the childhood years behind.  

So How can we be there for them?

Don't try and fix it: Sometimes as parents we want to fix things, to make them all better.  It's hard to watch our kids suffer and not want to take it all away. Here's the thing, when kids feel such big emotions they don't want us to fix it!  They want us to let them feel them, express them and hold them while they do.  We don't have to solve it, always help them figure out the why, or come up with ways to make it better.  Just be there and hold them in the muck!

Keep showing up:  Keep talking and communicating in whatever way works for them.  This means that you may have to have a conversation around expression.  Do they want to talk about it, write about it (journal with you), sing?  Share with them the importance of continuing to move through their feelings and ask them how they want you to connect with them.

Know what's normal: It is important to know what is normal for kids to experience during this time!  It helps keep you sane and it helps you notice anytime where what your child is experiencing is something you might want to seek additional guidance around.  It is really normal for emotions to be all over the place; emotional storms!  It is normal for kids to experience anxiety and fear around these changes and to move through them. 

Know what's NOT normal: It is not normal for them to want to hurt themselves, to not want to communicate in some way to some one about the changes, to have major personality changes that are destructive and dark.  When things that are abnormal are occurring it may be due to many different deeper reasons.  It may be awakening a loss of control in their life and have nothing to do with "puberty" but more to do with unresolved issues with a divorce, bullying or any other things that occurred or are occurring where they feel out of control.  In these cases their intense resistance to puberty is their expression of the unresolved issue and additional support is recommended. 

Draw out their stories: They also may have stories about what puberty looks like. One of the first things we can do as parents to support them is to draw out the stories they are telling themselves about puberty.  They may have seen something, heard something or gotten an idea about something that just isn't true.  Often times the stories are around seeing sex as tied up with puberty and they are NOT ready for that!  It's up to us to find out what those stories are.  You can do this by asking what they think and feel about x,y or z (open ended questions) or you can practice writing or telling a story, where your daughter gives a fictitious character a story around puberty and see what comes up.

Give them knowledge:  Share with them what the changes are all about and why they happen.  Talk to them about their questions, go through books with them and show them how to put on pads, tampons or take a powerful puberty class and learn about all these things and so much more with other girls and their mothers! 

Offer stability in their emotions swings: We are all humans right?  Of course when your daughter is raging at you or throwing a tween tantrum it is easy to say "stop it, grow up, it's not that bad" or just simply to be reactive to them.  What actually helps in these situations is being a emotionally stable adult.  Don't worry none of us are perfect and sometimes we will react and join in the storm, it's normal!  Don't beat yourself up!  However, it's important that we understand where they are at, so that the majority of the time, we are a tree swaying in their storm, rather than joining in to create a super storm.  Connecting with other adults around this to decompress is HUGE. (I have created a Powerful Puberty facebook group just for this decompression and learning, feel free to join!)

Honor the negative feelings and show the positive side: Honor the crud; whatever that looks like to them!  Saying things like, "Yeah I get how that seems weird or how you don't want that to happen"  and see if you can draw out the stories of why. Make sure the honoring is also mixed in (in the right moment, not in the emotional stormy times) with all the amazingness about the change.  Puberty is a time where she gets to step into her own strength, make more of her own choices and discover more of her unique personality and how that shows up in the world.  

Create a ritual:  Puberty is a coming of age, a transition in life and it should be honored.  Find some way of creating and honoring your daughter.  I suggest that you make sure that she knows that she is still the same as she was the day before her period started or her hair grew and she is also new and deeper. 

Girls that are going through or have gone through puberty need to be shown that they are still who they were before.  Simply put, there is a now a new layer to who they are and that will continue to happen as they grow older.  It doesn't take away from who they are.  They can bring their joys, toys and friends along with them on the journey.  They are simply becoming a more full version of themselves.


If you would like further you and your daughter's connection with each other and her body during this phase of life please check out my Powerful Puberty workshops.  

 

Powerful Puberty

Feelings of being alone, awkward.

Roller coaster emotions that take over and don't make sense. 

No one understands!

Growing parts of the body and things on the body: too big, too small, not enough, too much at the wrong time, too soon, too late. 

The unknown, the unspoken, the who to ask, the secretiveness, the embarrassment. 

It's all just too much? 

Puberty!  The phase of life when everything changes, there is no control and often times very little knowledge of what the heck is going on.  

It's time to change all of that!

We can create a new way of honoring this phase of life for young girls.  We don't have to continue the secretive nature, feelings of being alone, no one to connect to or talk with.  We can offer them a different way.   

What does it mean to have a powerful puberty? 

Simply put it means to go through this major transition period in life feeling connected to the self, the body and loved ones, as much as possible!  In reality it is a lot more complicated. 

As adults we have to remember that puberty takes places over SEVERAL years time and there is A LOT that goes on during this time! It is a transition phase from young girl to young adult.  That is BIG!  Let those words be your guide in those moments when your loved one is deep a pre-teen/teem temper tantrum.  

What is our supporting role?

Having a powerful puberty isn't about never falling down, feeling emotional, yelling, messing up, pushing boundaries or breaking the heck down in a heap on the floor.  In fact all those things should and will happen.  It is about honoring their feelings and the bigness.  We can help our young girls feel all their feels and help them find the ways and words to express them! 

We can help them by knowing, teaching and using tools to help them through this transition.  It's about teaching young girls how to express themselves, how to name their feelings, how to be themselves, now in this moment, and as they change.  It's about teaching them to know and accept their own bodies, their own needs.  It's about teaching them how to be comfortable with themselves.  To fit in while being them.  It is also about giving them full knowledge of what is going on in their bodies and minds and why.  Knowing the realities will help them feel powerful around what is needed in their bodies and what they can control. 

To have a powerful puberty is to learn and practice self-love and self-care NOW.  Can you imagine how different life would be for so many of us if we had that touch stone, that knowledge and that power as we were going through this first of many major transitions in life? 

Having a powerful puberty means we need to acknowledge that sometimes growing is hard. 

We still can educate about what is going on, frame it in an open and positive light, celebrate it and all of these things should happen!  We should speak openly about this so that girls don't have to go through this alone. 

Connection is key! 

It is what helps us up when we fall down, it is what keeps our hearts open and allows us to have the courage to grow.  We can't control puberty, what it does to the body and mind but we can put the focus on staying connected during this time.  We can surround them in a safe community to talk about the bigness, ask the questions and see that they aren't alone!

To do all this as mothers means that often we may need to do our own work. 

We also will fall down, we also will feel all the feels and we also can love and accept ourselves in those moments.  We too need to feel the connection.  To often when our children are at this point the mom's groups, the support that we may have had when they were younger is no longer there.  We don't share the stories of our teens melt downs like we did with tongue and cheek humor when they were little.  We take it more personally.

  The most common work that I see needing to happen is around education and revisiting.  We need to educate ourselves around what is "normal" now, what is going on in their bodies and minds and why, so that we can come from a place of understanding and empathy when we connect.  We also may need to do some revisiting and healing within ourselves around what our own experience was with this transition phase.  Many of us didn't have powerful puberties.  Some of us weren't allowed to express ourselves, to know our own feelings or bodies.  If we leave this unchecked it is very possible that something our daughter goes through may trigger this wound in us and therefore we wont react or be able to guide from a place of wisdom. 

What does being powerful feel like to you? 

Before we conjure up a time when you felt powerful in your life, let me first clarify what I mean when I talk about power.  I am not talking about the power of one up, power over, or that that is derived from external sources like beauty, money or status.  I am talking about the power that comes from within.  This power comes from a connection to ourself, to love, to our internal resources and gifts.  

Given that definition, can you remember a time in your life where you felt incredibly powerful?  Seriously, sit still for just a minute or if you have more than a minute take out a piece of paper and think or write about a time you felt powerful.  Conjure up that feeling, the story, what did it look like, where was the feeling held in your body, and WHY did it feel so powerful?  

I can thankfully remember many powerful times in my life.  One of the things that all my memories have in common is this, feeling powerful often comes with connection.  That can be through an external community connection or internal/personal connection.  

This is the essence of a powerful puberty to me!  The inevitable falling down and feeling out of control, weak, emotional and the coming together. the honoring of the time, the connection and the growth.

When young girls are allowed to feel all the feels and they are acknowledged and loved through it, they feel powerful; even if we can't make it better.  

That is what we want to give to young girls.  That is powerful puberty!