One of the only things that I am truly sure of is this; things change.
Change can feel so many different ways: unnerving, unsettling, ungrounding, exciting, wanted... In order to feel grounded and secure, as well as to embrace change, I have found myself turning to the natural, rhythmic changes that occur each and every day, week, month and year. This helps me feel safe and more able to embrace all the unforeseen changes that occur throughout life.
I pay attention to what the moon is doing on any given day and notice what my own moods do in response. I notice the new seasons that each of my individual kiddos enter and try and meet them there. I embrace nature's seasons. As a mom, I am so aware of how important the seasons are to shaping the rhythm of my family.
So imagine my shock when a recent ah ha moment slapped me right in the face.
It was out of a movie: bells ringing in my ears, flashes of recent thoughts and action all speeding through my brain in fast, fuzzy images, becoming so clear all at one and then bang, I got it.....I am freaking nervous for the coming winter. In fact I am out right resisting it.
I am reading a new book and through an exercise where the reader is asked to write a timeline of memories where you enter into the "dark parts of yourself", I had a major realization! For many years now I have descended into the darkness when the winter season comes. Winter has rhythmically symbolized for me a time of great heartache, stuckness (that has to be a word and so I am sticking with) and what some may call seasonal depression. Well NO WONDER I am feeling anxiety about the coming season! I can already feel the pull into the darkness. For the past 4 weeks I have sat with this; like literally sat with it, often staring at the ceiling, sometimes praying and writing trying to get at the heart of the season.
What I realized is winter is dark. I know, I know, big realization there, but stick with me on this.
The literal darkness is our cue, it's our gift to slow and go within. It is a time of self-reflection. In years past I have been to busy and maybe even more than that I have been a bit scared to let that be the guide for the season.
The winter is asking our bodies, our souls to slow down! To sit with our own inner darkness and embrace and love ourselves, not just the great stuff but all of us!
To love the impatience, the grumps, the imperfectly perfectionists and well to love all of us.
My plan for the season is to embrace the dark, literally and figuratively. To let the dark come in at night and after the children are asleep to simply sit more, write more, look at my whole self and focus on my practice of self love. To be with the darkness no matter how uncomfortable and to let love be the warmth of the season.