On my morning walk, I found myself being called to sit, to be still. I sat next to the river and all of the sudden I began to openly weep.
No thoughts.....No events prior....A pure emotional release.
There were people around and for a second I felt FEAR. Fear of being judged and SEEN and then the second passed and my tears continued to fall until the no longer did.
I was reminded of a dear friend who came into my life decades ago. She is the most blunt, piercing, raw and compassionate woman. She taught me then to flow with emotions. She taught me by allowing me to witness hers and talk about it with her. To release and move on.
When I had kids for some reason I stopped my emotional flow. I think this is something I learned from childhood, society and all around me. I had this idea that I would harm my children if they saw the tears, felt the anger, sensed the hopelessness, and the fear that might come. The thing is when I hold it in it is still there, longer and louder inside. Kids KNOW this, their intuition, the sense it. No matter how big our sake smile gets, no matter how high our sweet voice is, they know. When we deny that by putting our mask on and saying we are fine. They think they are wrong, they can't trust themselves, their sense, their emotions. It repeats....
We all live behind our emotional masks. "How are you today"? "Fine thanks".....ugh! Are you really fine? Does the person really want to know? IS there connection happening or simply formality to avoid uncomfortable silence?
After my brother died. I found myself in a daze at the grocery store. We still needed to eat and I thought getting out might help. The checker asked me, "How are you doing today"? I replied, " I am absolutely horrible". I looked at her in the eyes....connected...tear welled. She saw me, she witnessed me. It made it a little better. Then her thoughts flooded in as did mine and I left.
Humans, can't we do better than "How are you today?" Can't we evolve past that question into something that connects? Or do we stay behind our screens, our masks and only let a few people if we are lucky see us?